Do you remember when I wrote about loneliness? I didn’t know what it was then. I thought that loneliness was a feeling you chose to label when you could not feel fulfilled by people. Now I know that it is an unavoidable cause of death. And that if I remained in this empty city, with the roommates that do not leave their room and within these empty walls, I could quite possibly die within them. Loneliness is the root of different cries for help. Loneliness is silence. Silence within crowds and silence within your mind- when it reaches your soul, the one you never knew existed until it ached, you are inevitably trapped. I am trapped. I always believed in understanding your emotions and thriving through their acknowledgement. Now I only want to avoid them. And how exhausting it is to want time to pass, days to pass, life to pass. I want calls. Visits. Love. It feels like you’re getting higher and higher on a branch that you want to get down from. And the lonelier you feel, the higher up you go. The higher up you are, the longer the ladder needs to be. So you begin to expect bigger gestures from people. You begin to need a bigger ladder. I am a child in desperate need of a hug- asking for affection through words. I am begging for friendship. For love. For a touch. I am longing for a conversation. For laughter. And it is so so silent. And when you feel this lonely, you are so fucking terrified that it wont end. Because if it doesn’t- it is possible that the person you have spent years building could.
A while back I wrote about solitude. I wrote about how I grew to enjoy my own company enough to avoid relying on other people. I have only just realized that the reason I started to like my solitude was because I had a lot of time to fall in love with it. Today I realized that the reason I distract myself with tv series like ‚That 70s‘ Show’, ‚Skins‘, ‚Misfits‘ and ‚The Inbetweeners‘ was because I lacked support from my own friends. It was comforting to watch a group of friends relying on each other and laughing when things went wrong. I have spent 2 years watching episodes about what I yearn for the most.
I have had friends come and go due to the circumstances you meet when studying at an international school. And I’ve had to leave them when moving to another country. Yet even now, when supposedly the friends I currently have are meant to give me a sense of security as they are meant to be friends for a lifetime, I feel alone. After an experience at a house party, I stopped going to them. That led to stop being invited to them. So the ‚friends‘ I had made through them stopped being people I could disconnect with. The friends that live in different countries have become harder to contact and the friends I am surrounded with don’t know how to be the way they used to be around me. Through stressful situations, I grew detached from them. And no one has reached out enough for me to feel the support I once had. I have lost a lot of people because I stopped trying. And they haven’t tried since. At least not enough. That’s another reason for why I started this blog. It became an outlet of my personal thoughts, the ones I stopped sharing. The thought of WordPress being a community always attracted me to it. I thought I could fill the space that grew within me these past few years. And I realized that as long as I wait for someone to do it, it won’t be filled. I wish to someday look back at this in my apartment, surrounded by friends, drinking wine, and sharing the platform that made me vulnerable, yet the person sharing this with them.