Journal Entries

These are merely simple notes taken days before I met you and interactions I wanted to remember after I did. I was happy before you introduced yourself. But I’ve been happier since.



My mind has surely been cultivating years before my birth.

I am currently sat in my Visual Culture class and just received my mid-term paper. I got an A-. It would have been an A but my professor lowered the grade due to my handwriting.

I ended up waking up at 12. I ate breakfast, rolled a cigarette and drank my pre-made, gas station coffee while smoking out of my window. I still get anxious when smoking out of any window during the day. I always fear someone will look up at me or that my landlord or my roommates will see me. You see, smoking is strictly forbidden in the apartment. 2 months later, I am still convincing myself that as long as the smoke goes outside it, it’s okay. I know I’m full of shit.


I finished my sociology class, got my usual ham, cheddar and tomato sandwich, talked to Mary, Katie and Zu and headed to Staromestska. On my way across the bridge, a man was taking a photograph of his family, so I waited until he was done. He looked at me and told me to walk. So I did. And he yelled something that I assumed was “stop! Stop!” So I yelled “Ay, Oh my God!” and both the man, the family and I burst out laughing.

Life is good. It’s great. I looked for the paper store again to buy the typewriter roll and stopped at a beautiful hand-made souvenir store “Smantin”. I asked the woman who worked there for directions to a nearby store and she gave me the same directions that the man at the last store gave me. I found it!

I bought two rolls and now I am having an espresso in the street close to the centre. You order at the bar inside, which is great because I can leave whenever I please without having to ask for the bill (I am too impatient for bills).

As I wrote about the souvenir store, I looked over and saw a man sitting next to me. With his coffee. Also writing. And with a cigarette pack placed similarly to mine. I am so happy, Angela. Thank you for deciding that which made your life yours.

A young man just sat on the table that stands between the man and I. He is reading an old Czech book. He sighs loudly as if to get me to notice him. I smirk every time he does and keeps writing. I wonder if he notices me notice every detail he allows me to note down. He smokes Marlboro Gold, the cigarettes I smoke when I have money. Plenty of it. I haven’t smoked them in a while. His friend

just sat next to me. And I hope they both read in silence and smoke in between chapters as they discuss things worth mentioning.

The young man just put his book away. They have not talked yet. I like their relationship. They might be together. 

An old man just used the chair in front of mine to lay his briefcase and the young man and I smile every time we glance at him. His back wasn’t straight enough to stand well. He must have been an incredible man. Hard working. 

The men (boys, really) have begun their conversation. They are laughing. I am so happy. This, here, is bliss. A type of bliss I thought could only be experienced in Summer. I think, now, that I like winter too.

A thought I had while smoking:

People only appreciate things when they are called art. I think that is why I am my own muse. Why I desire to make myself and the beauty I have treasured eternally through means such as writing, shitty paintings, podcasts and photographs of myself.

It is not ego. It is appreciation. That way, I will never need anyone to do it for me. I am independently in a state of love.

Isn’t that beautiful?


I would love to move to Cuba before turning 20. Or at the age of 20. I would like to have a one-room apartment and write for as long as I need to. For as long as I desire to prolong the time I now make time for. I would talk to elders who have been the last witnesses of what love was. We will drink rum and mock the way I smoke cigars. I would love to sit on my balcony for enough hours to call it a day. I want to fall in love with music in a way beyond the way I do now. I want to feel the sun on my face and learn to dance the way my mother learnt at an age before mine. I want to view passion the way I have felt it. I want to wear dresses and forget about the way beauty is shown in the streets we call public. I would love to interview women who speak a Spanish I have called broken before. I want to apologise for being ignorant at an age that we call acceptable. I want to warn them that I will not ruin their city or call their streets mine. I want to be accepted, not pass by locals as someone due to leave soon. I will write letters and exile my love to crave loving further. I want to make a decision that does not affect the future as I see it but strengthens the days I see ahead. I want to be happy in a place people will question. I want to call myself home.

Cuba-05.11.18 Angela (Age 19)


I don’t want this notebook to end. I fear that I can’t continue this bliss for a thousand pages more. I am aware that it is simply a binding of pages, yet they have been holding my life for over a year. Mine. Not the one I shared and forgot to write about but the one I, and only I have experienced and dwelled on. I only fear change when life feels as rewarding as it has been feeling. This feeling should be fucking eternal. How lucky to be my own companion.

At the same time, however, I am excited to start a new journal. I am in love with this one. But it holds things that have been causing grief. I fell in love with it while I fell in love with someone who has left. The next one could hold Miles’ response to my mailed letter, a trip to Italy alone, a new name, progress in my writing or growing changes that will evoke a bigger purpose to write. I might write in it from balconies. I might feel affection towards someone new, adapt to my mess, quit my job, or have fallen in love with it.

Prague In February

Prague In December

A very casual update.

Femininity- An endless chapter

I realised that femininity is vulnerability, often hidden by men in order to avoid the lack of masculinity. It’s the choice of using everything that applies to beauty from your perspective. I now choose what makes me feel feminine. It can be a red dress or black overalls with a bandana around my natural hair and small hoops that peak through my waves. It is being naked when I am alone and naked with him. It is having the choice to avoid shaving and the choice to crave a silk-like surface on my legs. It is making mistakes and smiling at those who see it and crying as if shame had never been invented. It is sitting on a balcony and feeling like life won’t stop for you, and you wouldn’t choose for it to stop.

After years of doubting where happiness could originate from; I found it. It’s where I am and what I turn the place into. On a sunny day, you will find me in my balcony, or any balcony for that matter. I will be wearing a yellow jumpsuit, a red tied-on top with white polka dots or my very well-utilised red bathing suit top. On a good day, joined by good company, you will find me topless. I will have a cup of espresso with no sugar and no milk, accompanied by long overdue coffee cups that I should put in the sink, and a cigarette in between my two right fingers. I’ll be wearing my hoop earrings that decorate my naked face and I will sit on the floor so that the neighbour’s gardener doesn’t see me. I will be writing. About anything. And everything about that. I will be deep in thought about the things time does not stop for. I will look happy; even if I am not smiling. And I think that the feeling of happiness exudes femininity. It exudes it in a way that a smile will never be able to.


Things I’ve learned about myself when living alone

  1. I love doing laundry. I sit in front of the washing machine every time I load it and watch for 30 minutes. It’s odd, but it’s the most interesting thing I’ve sat to watch thus far. I am currently writing this while sitting against my wall, facing the washing machine.
  2. I love adding a red sock with white clothes in the washing machine. There’s something about purposefully fucking up that makes me undeniably happy. I no longer have white underwear. It’s all light pink.
  3. I am never home. I love being out and often will go out of my way of avoiding coming back just to have the feeling of longing for the space I’ve made my own. I now leave my apartment at 6 or 7 am and get home at 4 am. I have never slept better.
  4. There is nothing better than putting away the groceries I could barely afford. I now only have 20 euros and no credit card because I messed up and everyone I know has been inviting me to free events with free food. I am getting by and I’m happy while doing so.
  5. My roommate is lovely. When I first moved in I feared we wouldn’t talk at all due to our clash in schedules yet she often has friends over and I get invited to join. Last week she made pancakes and I now go to my university’s coffee shop every morning, where one of her friends works. I have learned to give things time.
  6. I no longer worry about the decisions I make. A few days ago I got the nose ring I always wanted and I forgot what it was like to do things for myself, without planning a speech before getting home.
  7. I miss people more than they seem to miss me. I haven’t just learnt that; but I accept it now. I am not a victim for being in that position, just lucky.
  8. Having people over is oddly the most independent act you can encounter. You choosing to share your space, cooking for them and showing them around is a beautiful experience.
  9. I love waking up early and taking 10 minutes to get ready. I now hate wasting time more than I ever have. I no longer have to wait for plans to happen or people to decide on where to go. I’ll be out of my flat before the plans happen and it’s a constant chaos that I can’t get enough of.
  10. My local coffee shop finally feels like home. After going 5 times a day for the past 2 weeks, the waiter has pointed out my daily visits and every time I see him in the metro or the mini market near my street, we talk. Again, things take time.
  11. I love being responsible and enjoy being a mess. I have never had both cases happen at once. I will stay out after my 9 pm lecture and get home late, yet wake up at 6 am and show up on time to my morning lecture. It’s a blissful mix that makes me acknowledge the fact that I am living life my way.
  12. I never really had friends until now. I had Laura, and Luca and a few other people I loved, but I didn’t have a group. Or singular people who where constantly there. Two weeks in, the friends I made and I have already experienced more than I experienced with past friendships. From breakups, to tattoos, to losses, to laughter in our usual 24-hour restaurant these people made me feel like the most lovable person they have met.
  13. I want to keep creating. After signing up for photography and meeting someone willing to take pictures around the city before out exhibition, I crave it so much more. Nik wants me to keep writing. Mikey wants me to buy a camera. Mary wants me to keep creating. Sarah wants me to keep making podcasts. Rebecca wants me to keep posting here. Shane wants me to joing the universty’s radio station. Stefan wants me to keep dancing and everyone wants me to keep reading. I have learnt that friendship isn’t that without their interests in your passions. What a stupid thing to forget.

Viability: A Zine



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Fyodor Dostoevsky- Quotes

Destroy my desires, eradicate my ideals, show me something better, and I will follow you.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know a man … just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he’s a good man.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing, but the habits he has accumulated during the first half.

Fyodor Dostoevsky


“Also, the girls’ tournament is at the same time in the same place” he stated


“The girls’ uniforms for volleyball are 😉, I mean they have very short tight pants”

I felt confused and surprised as the comment came after the words “I love you”

“I mean their asses will look good”

But then I felt inferior.

“But yours still wins sorry” He added to fix it. “#pervertalert”

“Please don’t comment on my body like that, especially when you’ve just mentioned other girls’ bodies”

“Sorry,I was just trying to throw a compliment. You used to like it and now…”

“No” I added with disgust. “I love genuine compliments the way anyone would. But not when its about my ass after you’ve commented on other girls with a hashtag calling yourself a pervert.”

And that’s the problem. Women are constantly ‘complimented’ by the act of comparison between the individual and the surrounding women. As someone who has lived life proving myself I am worthy of myself, and that it is enough, comparing me to other women to identify my significance is wrong. Because if I am “beautiful” compared to the girl on my left. What will i be compared to the one on my right? I, like every other person, am amazing because of the qualities I’ve gathered and the person I’ve earned to be recognised as. And commenting on someone’s physical appearance in a raw manner and made greater by adding that it is better than other girls, takes my individuality away and isolates me because you have not gotten to know the remaining people you could see as options.

I feel beautiful. I love my freckles. I love my average brown eyes. I love my subtle dimples by the arch of my smile. I love my body even in winter when it grows. But I don’t love it because these things are superior compared to other girls. I love them because they are accompanied with other features you have not taken the time to recognise.

But if you call me beautiful because i have “nicer ass than the other girls” it makes me worry that I have to be in competition with everyone else to keep you. I will from then on, fear showing you the things that make me inferior compared to said women, because I will no longer be beautiful to you.

The first time we talked, he said:

“I really like talking to you. I can’t really explain it. But you are somehow real. And mature. And smart. And fun. Unlike others.”

The last thing he said to me was:

‘But you girls are all the same. That’s what I realised. You want what you can’t have. That’s just too damn bad. And when someone finally is willing to give you that it suddenly becomes boring. Being like *name* or *name* would get me much further probably. You know what? Fuck it. I’m leaving an a year so who cares”

When I said I couldn’t return the feelings he had for me, he took what got me to smile every time. And the thing that made him want to see me smile, and used it against me to convince himself he could move on since the thing that made him stay was no longer there.


Something I wrote when I was 16.

We’re all waiting to be discovered

We’re waiting to be found. We want our blog to be found, our articles to be read, our films to be seen and our names to be known.

It’s a long and slow process. We have conversations that we’re told to offer in a form of art. We are told we’re passionate and we’ll get far. Our friends will encourage us and our families will be proud. But we are terrified that we won’t be seen outside of our circle. We start Youtube channels, start websites. Some upload their songs on Soundcloud and share it on Facebook. Some share it on Twitter and give out our URLs. But we want more.We write our books doubting their reaction and forget why we started. We forget that we always wanted our work to be someone’s favourite. We apply to university hoping it will be a step forward. It’s a way to fill up space while we grow in views and figure out the next big step.

There are days when you can see your future and days when you feel stuck. Days when you’re inspired and days when you’re drained. Being surrounded by people who have their next step figured out made me feel like I wasn’t going anywhere. Until I realised I plan on going somewhere else. I plan on doing something different. I plan on figuring it out while I’m lost. I want the comfort of knowing where to go next, but I forgot to be excited about what I’m doing now.

We will get discovered. Even if it’s by 5 people who love your writing and don’t just like your posts to get the likes in return. We will use this platform until we know how to grow further. We will use what we have now and expand on our ideas. It takes time. And so much motivation. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other artists and to avoid fearing the number of individuals trying to reach the same goal. Remember that you didn’t start this to win a competition. It was never about people buying your work over other pieces or being the most liked ‘influencer’. We need to rely on our own inspiration and our own vision and avoid needing outsiders’ views to get to our next step.

I’m still trying to figure mine out.



Happiness (noun)

Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Bliss, contentment, delight, joy, euphoria, exhilaration, glee, laughter, optimism, prosperity, content, delirium

Everything I hope you experience soon.

Don’t base your happiness on factors that you cannot control. Fall in love with places and things you can turn to. Things that will always be there. Don’t rely on people because once they lack, so does your happiness.

I’m in love with simple things. Cigarettes in summer, a cup of black coffee, walks around the city, good conversations, music in the car, crying of happiness, reading, writing, thinking, the sun and warm nights.


I am happy because I know what makes me feel that way.

“You know what I always thought?”,  someone who once hurt me asked.

“I always thought. And I still think this to this day. Ever since you told me about all of your problems and your environment and friends. I always thought/knew. When high school was over, you probably would be the happiest out of all of us.”

“Us being…?” I wondered why, someone who temporarily ruined my happiness, felt the need to have a say in the way it worked.

“Like everyone I know and you know. Just every mutual friend or mutual people we know. Because you know what you want and what will make you happy. And once you get out of this environment, no one will treat you the way people have treated you here. You probably will be treated like a queen compared to here.

I’m being serious. You’re extremely nice and social, once you go to college people will be the same way towards you that you are to them. You will probably have so many friends and have a loving boyfriend. I honestly think you will have no drama here in a couple of years.”

We have created insignificant issues in order to feel like the level of happiness potential we are surrounded with cannot be reached. We have always being taught the manner of perfection never being fully determined. There is always room for improvement. Therefore, we focus on strategical ‘issues’ such as stride or lack of materialistic ‘value’. We need to feel as ought this isn’t it. If only we knew how much we would miss this. We would never call it ‘it’ then.

Just like we are granted with endless, minor improvements, the numerous consequences capable of pulling us from the previously mentioned chances. Stop basing your happiness in future perspectives and events.

Money is often linked to happiness. However, I always viewed happiness as a person working for what they want. I saw happened in people who had what I wanted: freedom and a minimalistic yet full lifestyle where everything counted.

People associate money to happiness due to the feeling of security and safety it provides. It stabilises your priorities. Because we have become so empty, to the point where paying the rent and buying a pair of shoes are not tasks worthy of work anymore but everything we base our happiness on.

Some are bumps we can’t be satisfied without skipping. Some are things we use as excuses. We mention our lack of common factors as an exploration of our law of fulfilment.  You shouldn’t forget how good something is in your life due to other negative things surrounding it.

We will never be happy if we wait for everything to be perfect. We will be happy when we realise the importance of a single opportunity, act, or situation on its own. Don’t stop enjoying it by focussing on what isn’t right.

If you are happy with your holiday, don’t ruin it by consuming yourself with the negative factors such as stress from work. Because they shouldn’t affect each other.

If you can’t be happy until you get a specific result: you are not happy.

If you’re not happy with what you have now: you are not happy.

If you don’t enjoy a cup of coffee and feel like you are where you want to be: you are not happy.

And that’s okay. Change whatever isn’t right. Admit this isn’t where you want to be and change it. But don’t try to convince yourself or pretend you are superficially content and think that buying something will make you happier. Because in often cases, the way to happiness isn’t addition but change.

Something is usually holding you back rather than letting you grow within yourself. And adding to your life will not get rid of that negative factor or its strength to hold you back.

-Another chapter I will keep adding on to.

Global and Vocal

Acceptance and Moving on


via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

I don’t think you ever stop loving someone after you fall in love with their entire being. It’s just another kind of love. I think you just stop feeling pain when you think about them. And moving on means smiling when they come to mind because of the memories. It turns into caring. I think that’s why people are afraid of using the term ‘love’ when they fall in love. Because they’re afraid of the idea that they will never stop loving them. It just becomes a mature kind of love. One where you don’t need them but you wish them the best and hope they’ll still be some kind of part of your life. Even if it is at temporary periods. But you still love their being. Because you got to know them in a way that is so personal and affectionate that it becomes part of the way you love other people and yourself. And you start falling in love with yourself more than them. That’s when you continue living, knowing that they are no longer with you, but knowing you might have a stronger sense of the word love for someone yet to come.

Books I Want To Read in My Lifetime

These are some of the books I’ve left on my bookshelf, waiting for something to happen, waiting for something in my life to occur. To read them at a significant point in my life. Because I’ve always believed they were worth that wait. Some I’m waiting to read when I fall in love. Or out of love. For a train ride. Or a sunny day. And some I’ve looked for everywhere and haven’t found yet. But these are the books I would choose if I were to only read 20 more books for the rest of my life.

A Farewell to Arms



Love Story

Erich Segal



John Williams


Animal Farm
George Orwel


Books vs cigarettes

George Orwell


Down and Out in Paris and London

George Orwell


The Idiot

Fyodor Dostoevsky


The Anatomy of Being

Shinji Moon



Charles Bukowski



Charles Bukowski


7,300 days

Isabella Mente


Eighteen Years

Madison Kuhn


I’ll Tell You in Person

Chloe Caldwell


The princess saves herself in this one

Amanda Lovelace


A box of Matches

Nicholson Baker



Nicholson Baker


We Should All be Feminists

 Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie


Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth

Warsan Shire



Nayyirah Waheed


Maggie Nelson