Beautiful

“Also, the girls’ tournament is at the same time in the same place” he stated

“so?”

“The girls’ uniforms for volleyball are 😉, I mean they have very short tight pants”

I felt confused and surprised as the comment came after the words “I love you”

“I mean their asses will look good”

But then I felt inferior.

“But yours still wins sorry” He added to fix it. “#pervertalert”

“Please don’t comment on my body like that, especially when you’ve just mentioned other girls’ bodies”

“Sorry,I was just trying to throw a compliment. You used to like it and now…”

“No” I added with disgust. “I love genuine compliments the way anyone would. But not when its about my ass after you’ve commented on other girls with a hashtag calling yourself a pervert.”

And that’s the problem. Women are constantly ‘complimented’ by the act of comparison between the individual and the surrounding women. As someone who has lived life proving myself I am worthy of myself, and that it is enough, comparing me to other women to identify my significance is wrong. Because if I am “beautiful” compared to the girl on my left. What will i be compared to the one on my right? I, like every other person, am amazing because of the qualities I’ve gathered and the person I’ve earned to be recognised as. And commenting on someone’s physical appearance in a raw manner and made greater by adding that it is better than other girls, takes my individuality away and isolates me because you have not gotten to know the remaining people you could see as options.

I feel beautiful. I love my freckles. I love my average brown eyes. I love my subtle dimples by the arch of my smile. I love my body even in winter when it grows. But I don’t love it because these things are superior compared to other girls. I love them because they are accompanied with other features you have not taken the time to recognise.

But if you call me beautiful because i have “nicer ass than the other girls” it makes me worry that I have to be in competition with everyone else to keep you. I will from then on, fear showing you the things that make me inferior compared to said women, because I will no longer be beautiful to you.

The first time we talked, he said:

“I really like talking to you. I can’t really explain it. But you are somehow real. And mature. And smart. And fun. Unlike others.”

The last thing he said to me was:

‘But you girls are all the same. That’s what I realised. You want what you can’t have. That’s just too damn bad. And when someone finally is willing to give you that it suddenly becomes boring. Being like *name* or *name* would get me much further probably. You know what? Fuck it. I’m leaving an a year so who cares”

When I said I couldn’t return the feelings he had for me, he took what got me to smile every time. And the thing that made him want to see me smile, and used it against me to convince himself he could move on since the thing that made him stay was no longer there.

 

Something I wrote when I was 16.

Advertisements

We’re all waiting to be discovered

We’re waiting to be found. We want our blog to be found, our articles to be read, our films to be seen and our names to be known.

It’s a long and slow process. We have conversations that we’re told to offer in a form of art. We are told we’re passionate and we’ll get far. Our friends will encourage us and our families will be proud. But we are terrified that we won’t be seen outside of our circle. We start Youtube channels, start websites. Some upload their songs on Soundcloud and share it on Facebook. Some share it on Twitter and give out our URLs. But we want more.We write our books doubting their reaction and forget why we started. We forget that we always wanted our work to be someone’s favourite. We apply to university hoping it will be a step forward. It’s a way to fill up space while we grow in views and figure out the next big step.

There are days when you can see your future and days when you feel stuck. Days when you’re inspired and days when you’re drained. Being surrounded by people who have their next step figured out made me feel like I wasn’t going anywhere. Until I realised I plan on going somewhere else. I plan on doing something different. I plan on figuring it out while I’m lost. I want the comfort of knowing where to go next, but I forgot to be excited about what I’m doing now.

We will get discovered. Even if it’s by 5 people who love your writing and don’t just like your posts to get the likes in return. We will use this platform until we know how to grow further. We will use what we have now and expand on our ideas. It takes time. And so much motivation. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other artists and to avoid fearing the number of individuals trying to reach the same goal. Remember that you didn’t start this to win a competition. It was never about people buying your work over other pieces or being the most liked ‘influencer’. We need to rely on our own inspiration and our own vision and avoid needing outsiders’ views to get to our next step.

I’m still trying to figure mine out.

Happiness

Happiness 

Happiness (noun)

Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

Bliss, contentment, delight, joy, euphoria, exhilaration, glee, laughter, optimism, prosperity, content, delirium

Everything I hope you experience soon.

Don’t base your happiness on factors that you cannot control. Fall in love with places and things you can turn to. Things that will always be there. Don’t rely on people because once they lack, so does your happiness.

I’m in love with simple things. Cigarettes in summer, a cup of black coffee, walks around the city, good conversations, music in the car, crying of happiness, reading, writing, thinking, the sun and warm nights.

image1

I am happy because I know what makes me feel that way.

“You know what I always thought?”,  someone who once hurt me asked.

“I always thought. And I still think this to this day. Ever since you told me about all of your problems and your environment and friends. I always thought/knew. When high school was over, you probably would be the happiest out of all of us.”

“Us being…?” I wondered why, someone who temporarily ruined my happiness, felt the need to have a say in the way it worked.

“Like everyone I know and you know. Just every mutual friend or mutual people we know. Because you know what you want and what will make you happy. And once you get out of this environment, no one will treat you the way people have treated you here. You probably will be treated like a queen compared to here.

I’m being serious. You’re extremely nice and social, once you go to college people will be the same way towards you that you are to them. You will probably have so many friends and have a loving boyfriend. I honestly think you will have no drama here in a couple of years.”

We have created insignificant issues in order to feel like the level of happiness potential we are surrounded with cannot be reached. We have always being taught the manner of perfection never being fully determined. There is always room for improvement. Therefore, we focus on strategical ‘issues’ such as stride or lack of materialistic ‘value’. We need to feel as ought this isn’t it. If only we knew how much we would miss this. We would never call it ‘it’ then.

Just like we are granted with endless, minor improvements, the numerous consequences capable of pulling us from the previously mentioned chances. Stop basing your happiness in future perspectives and events.

Money is often linked to happiness. However, I always viewed happiness as a person working for what they want. I saw happened in people who had what I wanted: freedom and a minimalistic yet full lifestyle where everything counted.

People associate money to happiness due to the feeling of security and safety it provides. It stabilises your priorities. Because we have become so empty, to the point where paying the rent and buying a pair of shoes are not tasks worthy of work anymore but everything we base our happiness on.

Some are bumps we can’t be satisfied without skipping. Some are things we use as excuses. We mention our lack of common factors as an exploration of our law of fulfilment.  You shouldn’t forget how good something is in your life due to other negative things surrounding it.

We will never be happy if we wait for everything to be perfect. We will be happy when we realise the importance of a single opportunity, act, or situation on its own. Don’t stop enjoying it by focussing on what isn’t right.

If you are happy with your holiday, don’t ruin it by consuming yourself with the negative factors such as stress from work. Because they shouldn’t affect each other.

If you can’t be happy until you get a specific result: you are not happy.

If you’re not happy with what you have now: you are not happy.

If you don’t enjoy a cup of coffee and feel like you are where you want to be: you are not happy.

And that’s okay. Change whatever isn’t right. Admit this isn’t where you want to be and change it. But don’t try to convince yourself or pretend you are superficially content and think that buying something will make you happier. Because in often cases, the way to happiness isn’t addition but change.

Something is usually holding you back rather than letting you grow within yourself. And adding to your life will not get rid of that negative factor or its strength to hold you back.

-Another chapter I will keep adding on to.

Global and Vocal

Acceptance and Moving on

 

via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

I don’t think you ever stop loving someone after you fall in love with their entire being. It’s just another kind of love. I think you just stop feeling pain when you think about them. And moving on means smiling when they come to mind because of the memories. It turns into caring. I think that’s why people are afraid of using the term ‘love’ when they fall in love. Because they’re afraid of the idea that they will never stop loving them. It just becomes a mature kind of love. One where you don’t need them but you wish them the best and hope they’ll still be some kind of part of your life. Even if it is at temporary periods. But you still love their being. Because you got to know them in a way that is so personal and affectionate that it becomes part of the way you love other people and yourself. And you start falling in love with yourself more than them. That’s when you continue living, knowing that they are no longer with you, but knowing you might have a stronger sense of the word love for someone yet to come.

Books I Want To Read in My Lifetime

These are some of the books I’ve left on my bookshelf, waiting for something to happen, waiting for something in my life to occur. To read them at a significant point in my life. Because I’ve always believed they were worth that wait. Some I’m waiting to read when I fall in love. Or out of love. For a train ride. Or a sunny day. And some I’ve looked for everywhere and haven’t found yet. But these are the books I would choose if I were to only read 20 more books for the rest of my life.

A Farewell to Arms

Hemingway

51GxAgnDqVL._SX326_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

Love Story

Erich Segal

4162xnDo6dL._SX324_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

   Stoner

John Williams

stoner.jpg

Animal Farm
George Orwel

animalfarm.jpg

Books vs cigarettes

George Orwell

4064936.jpg

Down and Out in Paris and London

George Orwell

51Yr8Hwc5NL._SX305_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

The Idiot

Fyodor Dostoevsky

burns_dostoyevksy_cover.jpg

The Anatomy of Being

Shinji Moon

31bTtL8Ab2L._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

Women

Charles Bukowski

38500.jpg

Factotum

Charles Bukowski

497199.jpg

7,300 days

Isabella Mente

41hZ3NKxnvL._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

Eighteen Years

Madison Kuhn

41CMR9ogujL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

I’ll Tell You in Person

Chloe Caldwell

41D2PE09u6L._SX307_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

The princess saves herself in this one

Amanda Lovelace

41GtOzYOw9L._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

A box of Matches

Nicholson Baker

848397.jpg

Fermata

Nicholson Baker

Fermat.jpg

We Should All be Feminists

 Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

51yyXJJiTjL._SX350_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth

Warsan Shire

516P2SFbK-L._SX322_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

Salt.

Nayyirah Waheed

11au1Pq6bAL._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg

Bluets
Maggie Nelson

16566506.jpg