I have periods where, you know, when I feel a little weak or depressed. Fuck it! The Wheaties aren’t going down right. I just go to bed for three days and four nights, pull down all the shades and just go to bed. Get up. Shit. Piss. Drink a beer down and go back to bed. I come out of that completely re-enlightened for 2 or 3 months. I get power from that.
I think someday…they’ll say this psychotic guy knew something that…you know in days ahead and medicine, and how they figure these things out. Everybody should go to bed now and then, when they’re down low and give it up for three or four days. Then they’ll come back good for a while.
But we’re so obsessed with, we have to get up and do it and go back to sleep. In fact there’s a woman I’m living with now, get’s around 12:30, 1pm, I say: “I’m sleepy. I want to go to sleep.” She says: “What? You want to go to sleep, it’s only 1pm!” We’re not even drinking, you know. Hell, there’s nothing else to do but sleep.
People are nailed to the processes. Up. Down. Do something. Get up, do something, go to sleep. Get up. They can’t get out of that circle. You’ll see, someday they’ll say: “Bukowski knew.” Lay down for 3 or 4 days till you get your juices back, then get up, look around and do it. But who the hell can do it cause you need a dollar. That’s all. That’s a long speech, isn’t it? But it means something.
I read somewhere, in an article or study, once about how millenials avoid truly feeling their emotions so long as they are negative. It stated that they attempt to cover up the feeling before understanding it first. The first thought that came to mind was that if Fyodor Dostoevsky were born in 1999, he wouldn’t have written shit. He wouldn’t have been as wise as his writing was when exploring his solitude and would have merely attempted to find a superficial method to disguise it before allowing it to be understood.
The second thought was the fact that Charles Bukowski was right. ‘Don’t be so consumed with self-love’ was as wise as it was when I first argued against it. Self-love is beautiful. Yet anything that has the power to consume you is as worthless as beauty without evoking emotions. To feel beautiful has become a task once heartfelt is felt. ‘Take a shower and make yourself feel beautiful’. I was told that the minute I discussed the heartbreak I felt then. I did that, actually. Yet I wish I would have been told to turn it into something that I can respect.
‘Make a podcast about it. Turn it into poetry and display how your heart bled at a local poetry slam. Fucking paint it until the paint dries and it synchronizes with your tears. Dance until crying looks hilarious and stupid alongside your moves. Make a short film that makes you realise how shit you are at filming and the editing gives you anxiety, smoke until you hate it because by then, you’ll realise how useless it is to cry for too long. Do something that makes you remember that which you could control, instead of the pain, the moment you look back at the day you felt sadness. Understand what makes you feel weak and what makes you feel nostalgic. Diferentiate them when you think about them. Go somewhere and think of how lovely the setting is for someone recovering and developing their sense of emotions, rather than a waste of time due to the lack of company. Cry while walking to the bus and show people that there is no reason to hide it. That sadness is as much of an emotion as the ones they present. Yet more real and more often felt. Ask your teacher about sadness. Own the emotion we have created a temporary embarrassment for. The one that we lock in a room until that ‘self-love’ dissolves it. Feel. Fucking feel.’
5 episodes in, I realised I haven’t introduced it on my blog yet. I have posted the episodes yet forgot to mention its platform. I have been fascinated with this medium of expression for months and couldn’t wait to integrate my thoughts into my own podcast.
And now it’s here. The audio isn’t great yet but I love that I have another method to discuss my views on the things that make life as fascinating as it is for me. I want this to be a way to keep a conversation going. That is why I want to post them here. To further grow a community here and keep a discussion running for as long as I keep sharing it. The podcast is on iTunes and the Podcast app, as well as on Soundcloud and ,of course, here. And needless to say, it’s free.
This is a more personal twist for me, so I wanted to share the environment I create this in.