Para mi amor

Me ha encantado quererte,

y por eso me pregunto;

por que no vuelves, mi amor?

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Almost 4 years later

Almost four years later, the boy who broke my heart, the boy’s friend who humiliated me and made me hate the skin people had seen, and the boy who cheated on me met in England. ‘They told me about this book you’re writing’, one of them said. It was the closure I thought I had found in the past four years. To think, that time truly did its healing. That three men now sat in a different country and had my name make its way into the conversation. And for the first time, followed with truth.

Four years later, the boy, now man, who broke my heart messaged me the words I didn’t need to hear. I promise to you that I did not need to hear them. Yet I understand why I cried and smiled after reading it.

‘Listen Angela I’m sorry but if truth be told I’m not in a good place. I’m very ashamed of who I was and what I’ve become and it’s taking its toll on me. I just want to change my life around, be the good guy and all that stereotypical bullshit you see on TV. And honestly, I’m so disgusted by my relationship with you, all I want is to try and make it right, and I feel like the first step is to change my life, and as selfish and pathetic as it sounds, you’re a painful reminder of who I once was, and I need to change that. I’m trying to move out by saving money working odd jobs, and honestly I’m stressed the fuck out and I’m not the most equipped person to handle it. I’m sorry Angela, you at least deserve to know why im acting like this. I really hope to have that coffee with you when all this is all over, and we can have a proper laugh about how ridiculous we once were, but right now I just need some time. I really hope you’re doing well and that you’re life is finally taking the path you want to lead, you really deserve the world Angela. I’m sorry for all the pain and heartache I’ve caused you, you didn’t deserve any of it. From the bottom of my heart I really hope you’ve finally found peace, you really do mean a lot to me.’

Four years later, I have not stopped loving, but rather stopped waiting to be loved. Four years later, I got to be the girl they did not know how to care for. And four years later, I am no longer the girl who lost them, but rather the girl they did not know how to love.

 

‘You really deserve the world, Angela’.

The words I am most grateful for.

Femininity- An endless chapter

I realised that femininity is vulnerability, often hidden by men in order to avoid the lack of masculinity. It’s the choice of using everything that applies to beauty from your perspective. I now choose what makes me feel feminine. It can be a red dress or black overalls with a bandana around my natural hair and small hoops that peak through my waves. It is being naked when I am alone and naked with him. It is having the choice to avoid shaving and the choice to crave a silk-like surface on my legs. It is making mistakes and smiling at those who see it and crying as if shame had never been invented. It is sitting on a balcony and feeling like life won’t stop for you, and you wouldn’t choose for it to stop.

After years of doubting where happiness could originate from; I found it. It’s where I am and what I turn the place into. On a sunny day, you will find me in my balcony, or any balcony for that matter. I will be wearing a yellow jumpsuit, a red tied-on top with white polka dots or my very well-utilised red bathing suit top. On a good day, joined by good company, you will find me topless. I will have a cup of espresso with no sugar and no milk, accompanied by long overdue coffee cups that I should put in the sink, and a cigarette in between my two right fingers. I’ll be wearing my hoop earrings that decorate my naked face and I will sit on the floor so that the neighbour’s gardener doesn’t see me. I will be writing. About anything. And everything about that. I will be deep in thought about the things time does not stop for. I will look happy; even if I am not smiling. And I think that the feeling of happiness exudes femininity. It exudes it in a way that a smile will never be able to.

 

Alone, But Please Not Lonely- A Very Personal Podcast

Charles Bukowski- Sleep for 3 days

 

I have periods where, you know, when I feel a little weak or depressed. Fuck it! The Wheaties aren’t going down right. I just go to bed for three days and four nights, pull down all the shades and just go to bed. Get up. Shit. Piss. Drink a beer down and go back to bed. I come out of that completely re-enlightened for 2 or 3 months. I get power from that.

I think someday…they’ll say this psychotic guy knew something that…you know in days ahead and medicine, and how they figure these things out. Everybody should go to bed now and then, when they’re down low and give it up for three or four days. Then they’ll come back good for a while.

But we’re so obsessed with, we have to get up and do it and go back to sleep. In fact there’s a woman I’m living with now, get’s around 12:30, 1pm, I say: “I’m sleepy. I want to go to sleep.” She says: “What? You want to go to sleep, it’s only 1pm!” We’re not even drinking, you know. Hell, there’s nothing else to do but sleep.

People are nailed to the processes. Up. Down. Do something. Get up, do something, go to sleep. Get up. They can’t get out of that circle. You’ll see, someday they’ll say: “Bukowski knew.” Lay down for 3 or 4 days till you get your juices back, then get up, look around and do it. But who the hell can do it cause you need a dollar. That’s all. That’s a long speech, isn’t it? But it means something.

Things I’ve learned about myself when living alone

  1. I love doing laundry. I sit in front of the washing machine every time I load it and watch for 30 minutes. It’s odd, but it’s the most interesting thing I’ve sat to watch thus far. I am currently writing this while sitting against my wall, facing the washing machine.
  2. I love adding a red sock with white clothes in the washing machine. There’s something about purposefully fucking up that makes me undeniably happy. I no longer have white underwear. It’s all light pink.
  3. I am never home. I love being out and often will go out of my way of avoiding coming back just to have the feeling of longing for the space I’ve made my own. I now leave my apartment at 6 or 7 am and get home at 4 am. I have never slept better.
  4. There is nothing better than putting away the groceries I could barely afford. I now only have 20 euros and no credit card because I messed up and everyone I know has been inviting me to free events with free food. I am getting by and I’m happy while doing so.
  5. My roommate is lovely. When I first moved in I feared we wouldn’t talk at all due to our clash in schedules yet she often has friends over and I get invited to join. Last week she made pancakes and I now go to my university’s coffee shop every morning, where one of her friends works. I have learned to give things time.
  6. I no longer worry about the decisions I make. A few days ago I got the nose ring I always wanted and I forgot what it was like to do things for myself, without planning a speech before getting home.
  7. I miss people more than they seem to miss me. I haven’t just learnt that; but I accept it now. I am not a victim for being in that position, just lucky.
  8. Having people over is oddly the most independent act you can encounter. You choosing to share your space, cooking for them and showing them around is a beautiful experience.
  9. I love waking up early and taking 10 minutes to get ready. I now hate wasting time more than I ever have. I no longer have to wait for plans to happen or people to decide on where to go. I’ll be out of my flat before the plans happen and it’s a constant chaos that I can’t get enough of.
  10. My local coffee shop finally feels like home. After going 5 times a day for the past 2 weeks, the waiter has pointed out my daily visits and every time I see him in the metro or the mini market near my street, we talk. Again, things take time.
  11. I love being responsible and enjoy being a mess. I have never had both cases happen at once. I will stay out after my 9 pm lecture and get home late, yet wake up at 6 am and show up on time to my morning lecture. It’s a blissful mix that makes me acknowledge the fact that I am living life my way.
  12. I never really had friends until now. I had Laura, and Luca and a few other people I loved, but I didn’t have a group. Or singular people who where constantly there. Two weeks in, the friends I made and I have already experienced more than I experienced with past friendships. From breakups, to tattoos, to losses, to laughter in our usual 24-hour restaurant these people made me feel like the most lovable person they have met.
  13. I want to keep creating. After signing up for photography and meeting someone willing to take pictures around the city before out exhibition, I crave it so much more. Nik wants me to keep writing. Mikey wants me to buy a camera. Mary wants me to keep creating. Sarah wants me to keep making podcasts. Rebecca wants me to keep posting here. Shane wants me to joing the universty’s radio station. Stefan wants me to keep dancing and everyone wants me to keep reading. I have learnt that friendship isn’t that without their interests in your passions. What a stupid thing to forget.

l o n e l i n e s s

Do you remember when I wrote about loneliness? I didn’t know what it was then. I thought that loneliness was a feeling you chose to label when you could not feel fulfilled by people. Now I know that it is an unavoidable cause of death. And that if I remained in this empty city, with the roommates that do not leave their room and within these empty walls, I could quite possibly die within them. Loneliness is the root of different cries for help. Loneliness is silence. Silence within crowds and silence within your mind- when it reaches your soul, the one you never knew existed until it ached, you are inevitably trapped. I am trapped. I always believed in understanding your emotions and thriving through their acknowledgement. Now I only want to avoid them. And how exhausting it is to want time to pass, days to pass, life to pass. I want calls. Visits. Love. It feels like you’re getting higher and higher on a branch that you want to get down from. And the lonelier you feel, the higher up you go. The higher up you are, the longer the ladder needs to be. So you begin to expect bigger gestures from people. You begin to need a bigger ladder. I am a child in desperate need of a hug- asking for affection through words. I am begging for friendship. For love. For a touch. I am longing for a conversation. For laughter. And it is so so silent. And when you feel this lonely, you are so fucking terrified that it wont end. Because if it doesn’t- it is possible that the person you have spent years building could.