A while back I wrote about solitude. I wrote about how I grew to enjoy my own company enough to avoid relying on other people. I have only just realized that the reason I started to like my solitude was because I had a lot of time to fall in love with it. Today I realized that the reason I distract myself with tv series like ‚That 70s‘ Show’, ‚Skins‘, ‚Misfits‘ and ‚The Inbetweeners‘ was because I lacked support from my own friends. It was comforting to watch a group of friends relying on each other and laughing when things went wrong. I have spent 2 years watching episodes about what I yearn for the most.
I have had friends come and go due to the circumstances you meet when studying at an international school. And I’ve had to leave them when moving to another country. Yet even now, when supposedly the friends I currently have are meant to give me a sense of security as they are meant to be friends for a lifetime, I feel alone. After an experience at a house party, I stopped going to them. That led to stop being invited to them. So the ‚friends‘ I had made through them stopped being people I could disconnect with. The friends that live in different countries have become harder to contact and the friends I am surrounded with don’t know how to be the way they used to be around me. Through stressful situations, I grew detached from them. And no one has reached out enough for me to feel the support I once had. I have lost a lot of people because I stopped trying. And they haven’t tried since. At least not enough. That’s another reason for why I started this blog. It became an outlet of my personal thoughts, the ones I stopped sharing. The thought of WordPress being a community always attracted me to it. I thought I could fill the space that grew within me these past few years. And I realized that as long as I wait for someone to do it, it won’t be filled. I wish to someday look back at this in my apartment, surrounded by friends, drinking wine, and sharing the platform that made me vulnerable, yet the person sharing this with them.